I find it amusing how often people feel the need to express their judgment of a situation by making a statement about how they would handle a situation if they were in it. I was reminded of this again from Joe Biden’s recent comment about how he would have handled Trump.  I suppose in a way the “If it were me” perspective is the opposite of empathy.  Instead of trying to put yourself in someone else’s shoes to try to understand where  they are coming from and how that has impacted their behavior, the speaker is placing judgment on the person in the situation and putting themself hypothetically in the situation, yet making the whole thing more appropriate or acceptable?

To borrow the March for our Lives slogan, I call B.S. on this. Until you have actually lived in a situation that is stressful or emotional or incomprehensible, you really cannot say you know what you would do in that situation. You know your own personality, sure, but we all find ourselves in situations that we never expected to be in and we are forced to interpret, respond, adapt, etc. as a situation unfolds. Think domestic violence, sexual harassment,  being diagnosed with an illness, having a sick child, being involved in a tragedy, etc. etc. Yet this behavior of saying “if it were me…” is so commonplace. I know, I used to do it just as much as the next person. Until one day I simply stopped. I don’t assume I know all the factors involved in someone else’s choices; therefore I don’t assume I know better. Also, who am I to judge?

I advocate for the following: Try putting yourself in someone else’s shoes with empathy rather than putting your hypothetical shoes in someone else’s situation with judgment.

I decided that taking piano lessons would be a good idea for multiple reasons, including evaluating my stamina, building those connections in my brain, learning a skill, etc. I had a lovely woman named Emily come to my apartment for 30 minutes earlier this week.  I have played a little bit here and there in the last year and I guess the same is true for the last 30 years. I took lessons as a kid but never really followed through.  Anyway, I learned some interesting music theory stuff that comes with taking lessons as an adult, but I also learned that taking piano lessons for me is very difficult because of my eyes. I couldn’t really follow her finger when she was pointing to a particular spot on the music sheet, nor could I actually see what she was doing when she was demonstrating things to me.  Even though her hand was right in front of me pushing down on the keys, my eyes just couldn’t really see it because of the minimal contrast between her fingers and the piano keys, the movement of pushing a piano key is minimal, and I simply cannot process all five fingers at once.

The good news is that I now know my baseline and have somewhere to start from.  It is just much more challenging for me than the average person to learn via demonstration at this task. Though, amusingly, Emily told me that for children the hardest part is NOT looking at their hands but focusing on the music.  Well, I literally cannot see my hands and the keys in a useful way, so I don’t have to worry about that!

Lesson number 2 next week!

I recently had a conversation with a good friend of mine about her 4 year old son and how he hasn’t learned yet to prioritize visual stimuli so he easily misses things or  is overwhelmed.  The filters aren’t yet automated for him. It was funny because I didn’t have to explain to her what I’m experiencing from my visual deficit because she gets it…I see the world like a 4 year old, except I KNOW that I see the world like a 4 year old. (Does this warrant a shout out to my brain tumor?!?) Instead of not learning it yet, I am very aware that I have lost my filtering mechanisms. I am conscious of missing things. I don’t trust my vision because of this. I am that person who will only cross a street at the crosswalk and when the light tells me to or while holding onto the arm or shoulder of the person I’m walking with because otherwise I am literally afraid I will get hit by a car that I did not see. This is obviously just safer anyway and how crosswalks are designed to be used in the first place, so in the end I guess my wonky eyes have forced me to be a more law abiding citizen and a better role model for all those actual 4 year old kids crossing the street with their parents. Yay me!

 

Remember that show? When someone had to run around looking for all the expensive stuff and the hidden prizes?  They always threw in the maximum number of whole turkeys.  I would be terrible at that show now.  I may never have been good at it, but I would be particularly terrible now.

I found myself in the supermarket yesterday and I was reminded how useless I am in the supermarket right now.  I get visually overwhelmed  very quickly.  This makes it difficult to browse or to actually find anything.  Because I am overwhelmed, it is also difficult for me to actually think about what I might want.  A list is helpful to get the essentials, but even that doesn’t solve the problem of the experience I now endure.

Mom went off to get something and left me to shop for whatever I wanted.  I looked down the aisles and selected the snack aisle because everyone always needs snacks.  I decided I would get Triscuits.  When I found the section, I could only see family size boxes and flavored boxes, no regular, original Triscuits.  After what was probably 30-60 seconds but what felt like 10 minutes, I finally found what I was looking for.  But it was frustrating and I was on the verge of tears in the freaking supermarket in the stupid snack aisle.  This is my life now.

I like to focus on the positive and I tend to write more about that.  I have no interest in writing things to have people read them and feel pity or feel sorry for me. I’m dealing with this new reality and sometimes it does suck.  Most of the time I look at it as an adventure. I look forward, though, to those days where going to the supermarket is not given a second thought at all and is just another errand that needs to be run. The things we take for granted…