I have been having an internal conversation with myself lately. We have all heard about the power of words. Our internal dialogues are as important as the words we speak out loud. Speaking positive affirmations out loud is even supposed to impact our DNA. I have noticed how much I mention my wacky brain or having half a brain or being blind, etc. I say these things sometimes in a joking manner, sometimes in a matter of fact explanatory manner. I don’t even really think about it. I’m just speaking my reality. The awareness, though, got me thinking about what impact, if any, this is having on me. Humor is certainly a valid way of dealing with difficult issues. It has helped me over the last couple of years for sure. I even think I’ve probably had more laughs related to my brain tumor than the average brain tumor landlord. I suppose the humor is my way of letting the people around me know that I’m OK and it is not a sensitive topic. I would say the humor has been a positive thing overall and as I write this, I realize that I think I have answered my own question. It has brought positivity to my life, so I think I’ll keep it around. I’ll remain a positively awesome, partially blind girl who likes to laugh at my wacky brain. It’s probably more fun anyway.
I still struggle with feeling like I’m a productive member of society. I volunteer one day a week, but I’m on full time disability because my brain is still healing and adjusting to its limitations. I wrestle with wanting to do more but not being capable of what I used to. Today I decided “my job” would be to spread some joy by wearing my “Smile. You’re Awesome.” shirt. I had this shirt custom made a while ago but forgot about it. I find that the shirts that say “Smile IF you’re awesome” don’t have the sentiment I really want to convey, so I made one that did. I don’t know how many people actually noticed it beyond the two women who work in my building, but it made them both smile so I consider that a success. If it also has the same effect on you, then more success!
In addition to my shirt, I picked up trash during my morning walk, I said “Good morning” to everyone I passed, I helped an older gentleman cross the street, and I gave a flower to my building concierge. While I may not be solving world problems, at least I can influence the space around me for the better.
Although I mostly write about my bizarre experiences with my brain tumor and my wacky vision, I thought I’d give a few words on brain tumors overall for the month of May.
Did you know that the ribbon color for brain tumors is is GREY? As in grey matter!
The best article I’ve come across that speaks to what it is like to have a brain injury is this one and so many of these things ring true for me (I couldn’t remember whether I posted it on here before (which will not be surprising once you read it!)
Celebrate Brain Tumor Awareness Month!
- Sign up for your local Brain Tumor 5k
- Donate to the American Brain Tumor Association (https://www.abta.org/ ) and/or the National Brain Tumor Society ( https://braintumor.org/take-action/ways-to-give/ )
- Give your brain tumor survivor a hug!
For more than 2 years now, I’ve been afraid to ride a bicycle. In fact, I’ve been worried that I may never ride one again. In the past I have enjoyed renting bikes at the shore and riding on the boardwalk while enjoying the fresh morning saltwater air. However, after my brain surgery, my loss of vision, my slower reaction times, and my occasional balance issues have all made me concerned that riding a bike would be both dangerous and disconcerting. I’ve been wanting to try it now for a while to find out one way or the other. This past weekend, I rented a bike and went for my first ride and it was AWESOME. It wasn’t scary or difficult. In fact, it was, literally, just like riding a bike! As long as I keep to paved trails or flat surfaces and there aren’t people or animals running out in front of me that require quick reflexes, then I’m good, especially if the only brain power I really have to give if following someone else on a bike in front of me. I am so very excited for this new discovery and to add to the list of things that I both enjoy doing and feel comfortable doing. Woohoo!
And if you haven’t ridden a bike on a nice sunny day in a long time, I highly recommend you do it soon. I bet will put a smile on your face too.
I do think for my own sake, though, I’ll stay far away from scooters and segways!
I’ve been pushing myself out of my comfort zone lately. Some adventures of late and musings related to those:
- Indoor rock climbing was fun, even if it was difficult for my brain to wrap itself around belaying. I decided I didn’t feel comfortable being responsible for someone else’s safety. Making sure that everything is secured properly so that the other person will not get hurt was too much effort for my brain. I tend to second guess things over and over and over and so while I enjoyed the climbing part, I felt bad that I couldn’t belay others.
- Indoor adventure park was also awesome. Similarly, the actual obstacles and courses were lots of fun; yet learning to use the safety strap, which needed to be transferred to each new obstacle in a specific way, required much more effort for me than anyone else. I had to be shown multiple times and multiple ways in order for it to finally click for my brain. Once it did I was fine, but it does take longer than it used to and than for others.
- For both of these activities, there were lasting impacts in the form of serious bruising all over my thighs from the safety harnesses. For those of you who aren’t aware, one of the side effects of chemo is that I bruise super easily and it is long lasting. Right now I look like I got run over by a truck across my thighs. It’s quite a work of art.
- I’ve also taken two cooking classes: back country cooking and anti-cancer cooking. Sadly, during both of these classes, when it got to the cooking portion, I didn’t participate much. During the outdoor cooking class, I got overwhelmed and also didn’t feel comfortable working with the stoves. During the anti-cancer cooking class, I got so fatigued that I literally laid down on a yoga mat in the corner of the room and took a nap while everyone else cooked. Luckily I was at a cancer center where that kind of thing is not only common, but knowing your limits and taking care of yourself is encouraged.
- Each of these activities was new for me and presented some new obstacles for me to overcome. Each was also a great learning experience, a step out of my comfort zone, a chance to socialize with others, and a chance to live my life even as someone who has limitations.
- Next on my list: riding a bike again, go carting, maybe a dance class. Maybe I’ll also get back to to the juggling idea!
The other day I realized that I had successfully made something that should be annoying fun instead. Nobody likes getting spam phone calls. I am one of those people who doesn’t answer the phone when I don’t know who is calling. If it is important, they’ll leave a message and I can call back or they will text me. A few months back, I changed my ringtone to a song that instantly puts a smile on my face and makes me feel good when I hear it. Now, every time my phone rings, it makes me smile no matter who is calling. And when it is a number I don’t recognize, I just let it “ring” so I can listen to the song for longer. Thus, spam phone calls are no longer annoying because they actually bring me a little joy each time. I want to find ways to create this same experience with other annoyances in life. I don’t have any other ideas, but I am sure some will present themselves. Feel free to steal this idea for your ring tone…it totally works if you find that right song!
I have tried explaining my visual deficit in multiple blogs; however, this morning I had a realization that I’m not aware of all the ways I experience vision. I woke up this morning and looked at the clock across the room. The first number was an 8. Wait, maybe that’s a 7. Wait, maybe that’s a 9. As I laid in bed looking at the clock, I watched that number change before my eyes between those three numbers. Sometimes 8. Sometimes 7. Sometimes 9. After a few minutes of this, my brain realized it was the perfect moment to learn a lesson. I’ve generally described the blind spot from the perspective of driving and not seeing a car in one glance and then seeing the car in the next glance. Makes perfect sense. I’ve also talked about missing the first letter of a word or the first word of a sign because it’s on the left side. What I realized this morning is that letters and numbers are very difficult for me because, depending on the focal point for me, and the subsequent location in relation to my blind spot, they actually change on me. Who knew! I could clearly see the top line and the right side line, which exists in all 3 numbers, but the left side line and the bottom line were coming and going. Now it makes sense why I have such difficulty reading out a string of numbers without using my finger as a guide. It also makes sense why I have to double and triple check money amounts and credit card numbers and things of that nature. (Also my human factors brain comes out for a second to comment on the importance of the font type for readability.) A new awareness for me. Starting the day off right!
As a final note. Some of you may remember my experience with an analog clock in the hospital. The analog clock helped ground me in reality because I knew what it was supposed to look like and if it looked off I knew it was my sensory perception that was jacked. Since then I have felt most comfortable with an analog clock available somewhere in the room. Now it appears that digital clocks can be my friend too! It just took some time to figure that out (pun intended…I hear your groans).